Wednesday, February 01, 2006

and for my next trick

Laura is a pretty, conscientious, twenty-one year old working with us at the moment. She is on a work placement as part of her media studies degree. She is as middle class as it is possible to be. Proper without being prim, polite, presentable, bright as button, a little shy at first – a thoroughly nice girl.

Laura is concerned with her well being without being in any way obsessive about it, I know she enjoys her fair share of boozy nights out with her friends. But, sensibly, she also looks after herself.

So, because she’s been feeling a little tired recently (as most of do at this time of year?), Laura has spent the past ten days on a propriety de-tox course. It’s full of potions that need to be added to the gallon of water she has to drink each day, and a whole rainbow of pills she takes in fistfuls at seemingly hourly intervals. She doesn’t appear to have any actual ‘food’ in her diet anymore.

We have a busy office and it’s often very noisy but sometimes, for the odd luxurious moment, a brief calm descends.

This afternoon Laura filled one of these small oases of peace with a fart so loud, so deliciously throaty and protracted, that time momentarily stood still. Pens hovered, fingers wavered over keyboards and muted conversation dwindled into silence, a single telephone rang but nobody answered it.

Laura sat for a long moment in the dreadful hiatus following her anal exclamation mark - then, very calmly under the circumstances, picked up her purse and jacket and looking neither right nor left walked the length of the office and out of the door. As the door closed somebody began to applaud....

She’s switched off her mobile phone, do you think she will be back tomorrow?

17 comments:

Grant said...

You should start an office betting pool.

patti_cake said...

*wiping tears from my eyes* ohmigah nothing like a fart story to make me laugh (yeah i'm juvenile like that). I'm betting she won't be back. Thanks for the giggle

Tai said...

Good lord.

I don't think you'll ever see her again.

krisbtterfly said...

*snarf* woah. that poor girl. i can say that i've done that once- i fell asleep in english class in 7th grade and farted... and proceeded to blame it on the guy behind me. poor kid. HAHAHA

anal exclamation mark- that's possibly the best way i've ever heard it described. well done.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

How horrible for her (but funny as hell for everyone else!!!) The poor girl...if I'd have done it, you'd never see me again, that's for sure.

See, right now, I'm a tad confused. The PK always tells me that women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up enough pressure to make a fart.

So you telling me that's not true now????

*sigh*

I have SO much to learn...;)

Deadly Female said...

Oh the poor wee love! I can so relate to her. Not that I have ever *cough*broken wind*cough* in company. Nope, not me. *cough*

Aims said...

Oh no! That's so embarrasing!

Just Some Gal said...

That is horrible...and funny...and I have to thank my lucky stars that I have not done that. My former boss would do things that like that and stand for a moment then say, "Well, I guess its better than spontaneously combusting." (South Park humor)

Jenn said...

And now you've shared her mortification with the world.

I have lived with a few men in my time and not one of them ever heard me "break wind". My relationships would have ended even earlier had they ever been an audience to such a thing.

She won't be back. :-)

Wendy said...

OMG! I too am wiping tears from my eyes. This made me laugh SO hard and out loud! Colin - I adore a good fart story!!! I am betting she'll be back tomorrow, with her head held high. (I had to just stop typing as I wrote that 'cuz I crack myself up sometimes too!) That poor child! This is too damned funny! It's almost as funny as when you lit your fireplace in the nude!!

Shephard said...

Oh that poor girl. Gastrointestinal pyrotecnics are not easy forgotten.
Half of me laughed, and the other half prayed karma doesn't show me how she felt, lol.
~S

Gerbera Daisy said...

Oh My God!!! That is so hilarious!!! I am giggling like a school girl here with tears in my eyes. Thanks for the smiles, Fish!!! :-)

Seven said...

When I was in High School here in the US the school baseball team would go on road trips staying in motels overnight. Several of the guys would alwways arrange a 'fart contest' at night with awards for length and a separate award for volume.
Frankly I found it digusting and would just head back to my room foregoing the festivities; however you might ask her tomorrow if she has ever competed given her remarkable skill?
Perhaps at the County Fair?

AJH said...

Now that I've gained full control of my bladder again, hopefully the hiccups will stop shortly.
Seeing as she promptly left, no I don't think she'll be back. Can I get in on that betting pool?

Mully said...

HYSTERICAL

Pam said...

Wendy linked you on her blog and I haven't laughed that hard in I don't freekin' know how long. Nice writing. And krisbttefly is right, "anal exclamation mark- that's possibly the best way i've ever heard it described. well done."
BTW, Hello!

Miladysa said...

So... what are you telling us is that Laura is really an imposter... middle class English girls do not anally exclaim during working hours...any news?