Monday, March 06, 2006

has anyone seen my mojo

And Toffee says, enough already, go to bed.

It was a friend’s birthday on Saturday and we all congregated in a bar for a few drinks on Saturday evening. The night was planned, her boyfriend had organised a club in town, and we were all on the guest list - I do like a plan, (that some one else has made), taxis were laid on for 8.30 and the only thing that required any thought at all was how to avoid Eric-the-Bore and Mandy (straight hair and wavy teeth).

The best laid plans of mice and men…..

This was one of those moments that you find out how popular you truly are. I am apparently less popular than the combined charms of Eric and Mandy. I only popped to the loo, it was a matter of minutes, just a quick timothy and some dabbing with toilet tissue (pale jeans), oh and a moment to admire the wit of some wag who had written something other than an obscene offer and a telephone number on the toilet wall: “Oedipus - ring your mum!”

And while I was in there, in those few short minutes, the taxis had arrived and decanted my friends into the city.

Which was nice of them I thought.

So I toddled around the town, a beer here and a beer there, on my own private pub crawl. Until eventually I bumped, almost literally, into some other people that I knew. They were just getting ready to leave for a night club in Hoddesdon. I should say here that Hoddesdon isn't exactly renowned for it’s night life, in fact it isn’t really renowned for anything, except perhaps for having more zimmer frames per capita than any other town in Hertfordshire. But what the hey, it seemed like a very good idea at the time.

I’m always a little bit apprehensive about provincial night clubs. The people there seem to try just a little too hard? The dress sense in most London clubs is relaxed, everyone there probably spends the entire week in business clothes be they men or women, so the weekend is an opportunity to relax and dress down. In Hoddesdon it’s completely the opposite. But it was fine, it was good, the people were friendly and the doorman gave my jeans only a cursory glance before nodding me in.

I admit to be a bit of a nomad in places like these. I find it difficult to stay with my group for the entire night and tend to toddle off on my own for long spells. On one of these little forays I got to talking to a young lady by the bar. We laughed and joked and shared a drink, and danced (for my part badly - I do a good impression of a washing machine on a spin cycle, even when both knees are working properly), and then we laughed and joked and drank some more.

I thought it was going rather well actually, look at me everybody, I’m a babe magnet, we were getting on like a house on fire. We moved to a quieter corner, and she leaned in and said “you know, I really do enjoy the company of gay men, it’s so non threatening if you know what I mean, so nice to just have fun….”. Well, my head was bobbing up and down, and I laughed as I nodded in agreement…

…when I realised she meant me.

Oh poo.


Deranged Doctor said...

Come on, there must be some good to be had of this. At least you weren't "threatening."
Next step would be not to be threatening at the theater together... then not to be threatening at a table for two... you see how it goes.

Deadly Female said...

Oh bugger.

Dorothy said...

Hey, you have a cocker spaniel, too? I have two of them, boy and girl. Boy keeps humping the girl's head. They say to turn him around but I haven't resorted to that yet. Don't think I ever will!

Wendy said...

Oh Colin! I'm so sorry, but I just laughed my ass off. HOW? How do you end up in these situations? Please tell me you just made this whole entire tale, from the getting left behind, to the sinking in of her words - up... you made it all up right?! So, did you get her number?

Melissa said...

Colin! You're joking, right? I mean, you get left in the bathroom and then labeled the opposite sexual identity? That is not a premium Saturday night, my friend! Come to New York. We'll make sure that doesn't happen again.

Besides, surely she was too drunk to know what she was saying.

Shephard said...

I always thought women could tell right away. I guess you've uncovered another Urban Myth. Clearly, not all of them. She probably mistook your ease and comfort with the opposite sex as that of the opposite team. Then again, maybe she doesn't meet a wide range? You should have said, "Gay? Oh no, you see I'm a metrosexual." (wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean, say no more).

Pam said...

*big protacted sigh*
Okay..*chuckle* it doesn't sound like a very good Saturday *shake head slowly* for Colin's ego.
But we know the truth. She was telling you really that you are too wonderful to be just an ordinary heterosexual Joe!
That's my story and I am sticking to it.

patti_cake said...

I agree with what Shephard said you should have immediately spoken up and said "Oh no i'm metrosexual" or "I'm not gay" or "Something!" but I guess you were probably a bit taken aback? I'm sorry I laughed too but I bet you still had a better week-end than I did except for the zoo was great!
P.S. Toffee is gorgeous!

Miladysa said...

Dry sense of humour perhaps?

Sandra said...

It was a compliment, definitely! And a sure sign that you whatever you were wearing looked really cute on you.

Toffee leads such a hard life, poor thing.

Gerbera Daisy said...

I can't believe your "friends" left you there!!! And that should have let her know you were not gay but metro. Oh well, if you bump into her again, then you can make it known that you indeed are not gay.

Aims said...

Oh Fish. What a night! She obviously felt comfortable around you. although that probably aint much comfort to you. Keep smiling x

Anne said...

You friends and I assume that the friendliest, most attractive and well-dressed men are gay. It would go like this:

ANN: "Look at Fish..he looks great tonight and he is always so nice!"

FRIEND OF ANNE "Stop dreaming girl..he is too good to be straight!"

So see...that poor girl was just waiting for you to say that you werent. You broke her heart. :)

Anne said...

Oh! And I love the pooch picture..