Wednesday, September 14, 2005

slightly embarrassed

Sorry, I didn’t mean to write all of that.

It was just that the photo’s and then the letters prompted memories and when I started it just felt better out than in somehow.

That’s a lie too. The truth is, (and I don’t know whether this rings any bells with anyone else?), but ‘memories’ is the wrong word. It feels removed, as if I’ve watched a film or read a book that’s affected me, as if somehow it wasn’t really me who was there, I was just a spectator.

I don’t think I shall read the letters, they’re open but they were obviously deeply personal and private in their time and it would feel like an intrusion. There’s a selfish reason too, I don’t want to find out that there is any more hurt available from that time, I thought we’d already wrung out every last drop.

(Thanks by the way, you know who you are).

6 comments:

Kiki said...

I don't think I'd be able to not open the letters.

It might give you some insight into their relationship.

But I totally understand in not wanting to open them, too.

Just Some Gal said...

I just found your blog via Miladys...

I'm in tears...

You've written some very visceral things...

Thank you for the opportunity to read it...I don't have any wise words to give comfort except that I don't think I could open and read the letters. It'd take a lot more than a bottle of wine.

Take care,
Blondie

Miladysa said...

I understand.

If it helps I started to write my blog because of Ariel; Diaspora South.
A few posts in and I 'panicked' (for want of a better word) and deleted everything. I thought "What am I doing?!" My next thought was 'Why not?' Every day I consider the delete button. Please keep on going, your writing is amazing :)

Katya said...

don't be sorry, blogs are like your own personal therapy, i know if I didn't write some things down i would go insane...i'm glad we are all here to listen...

*hugs*

PBS said...

Hope it helped. I think blogs are therapy.

Gerbera Daisy said...

My boyfriend always says "better out than in" and for the most part, I have learned he is correct. I do think it is therapuetic to write your thoughts and feelings down. Sometimes I can write about something that is bothering me better than actually talking about it.

I agree with Kiki...I don't think I could not open the letters. It may help you understand your parents more. But I also completely understand you not wanting to read them.