Saturday, May 13, 2006

I feel sick

If you’ve met me you’ll know I’m not the most reliable person in the world, in fact if you’ve been reading this for any time, you will have reached the same conclusion.

I’m not. I’m a bit of a gad fly. I have friends when I want them and ignore them when I don’t, apart form the dogs I come and go pretty much as I please. I’m not well off by any means, but there’s sufficient income to allow me to indulge myself in whim and folly to keep me happy and all in all it’s a comfortable, happily selfish lifestyle.

Except that there’s one thing I miss, a part of me that isn’t fulfilled, at all. I miss children. I’m broody.

I always thought that I would have children, actually I thought I’d have lots of them.

This isn’t an option for me as I understand the process. It is apparent that you need a significant other to make children, which quite clearly doesn’t appear to be on the cards. And I’m not so self absorbed as to wish to adopt, although it is an alternative, because I’d prefer to think that for every child in need of adoption there must be better prepared parents than the single parent alternative that I could offer.

So the route that I took was that of fostering. Short term fostering for children that come from a single parent family say, who’s parent needs a break, or is perhaps hospitalized or simply transient short term care for children with difficulties or special needs. It gives me the opportunity to be with a child, to share a big, unused bubble of love with somebody who may need a feeling of security.

I’ve worked on this for some two years now. I’ve worked with my coach and mentor, been to the meetings, had all of the gory details the what ifs and why you should nots explained to me without any lingering doubt. But as yet I’ve never been offered the opportunity, even though I know (though I was disbelieving at first) they need people exactly like me.

And so I called my mentor, as I do regularly to simply chat, but this time with a question, “why?”.

And she shouldn’t under any circumstances tell me but she did. Somebody has said something. Someone has said that I’m not reliable, that I keep late hours and I come and go irregularly, that I drink, that I have people round to my house and we are rowdy, and that , most awfully, perhaps I like children but for the wrong reason.

She can not ignore this information, it’s said, it can’t be unsaid and is now a matter of record.

Only my ‘friends’ know about my wanting to foster, and you of course.

Who would do that, and why?


Elle said...

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Colin. People can be so judgmental sometimes. It doesn't seem to me that a "friend" could do something like this.

Prove them wrong. Now that she's told you the information, and it's a "matter of record," show them you're a wonderful option for a child in need "for the record." Don't let someone's misguided judgement of you determine your fate.


Wendy said...

Oh my God. Colin - that is just awful. I cannot believe a 'friend' would say that about you. I imagine you keep the hours you keep and play the way you play because you CAN right now. I know you'd not do that if you had a child to care for. Hell .. I did all that until I became a mum. My God. What an ass this person is. Truly and ass. The worst part is the wondering .. the who and the why. I'm so sorry Colin. I truly am. It's very unjust. I'm so sorry. Have you ANY recourse? Any at all?

devon said...

Wow, how awful. I would urge you to confront the friend... not accusingly, in case it wasn't him/her. But you've got to sort that out, for your own sanity's sake. Sabotaging someone's ability to care for a child is a deeply hurtful and malicious act, and I'm so sorry that's happened to you.

Sherri said...

Sometimes people can be so callous. I am new to your blog and would like to say hello.

Gerbera Daisy said...

I am so sorry this has happened. I second what elle and wendy have said. First and foremost, I would prove the "record" wrong. Then I would try to find out who did this and confront him/her. If this person were a true friend he/she would not have tried to sabotage your plans.

Anne said...

Oh Fish..that is horrible. I cant imagine a friend would do that. If they did then there is no way that they are a friend. I would say that they are jealous..and they do not have yours or anyone elses best interest in mind.

That just makes me sick to my stomach that someone would do that.

I agree with everyone..if you have a suspicion of who this was you need to confront them.

Good luck sweetie..

Pam said...

Colin, I am sure they did what they did, not out of spite, but out of concern. Or, your 'friends' are not really friends, but acquaintances and feel no compunction about 'dissing' you.

The fact that you have two lovely dogs, who are obviously well trained and cared for matters not I guess.
Not to mention the fact that there are plenty of parents out there who do far worse than be inconsistent and indulge in spirits.
None of this, of course, is making you feel any better.
You can't undo what's been done. Maybe this happened to open another door for you. Look closely and carefully for the door.

I too have wanted a large family, and it never happened. I don't know why. I won't go to extremes to be a parent. I don't like what ensues when that course is taken. You have the pain of emptiness and the pain of betrayal. This is a sad moment.
And I am sad for you.

Seven said...

This is an injury born of prejudice and deceit.
If it is something important to you then you will overcome the problem; I say it not as a challenge but rather as an encourgement to not be defeated by the small minds harboring this prejudice and deceit. You alone know what lies in your soul of need and want. Rise above and pursue your goal. The god of all that is good will surround you and go with you.
God's Grace.

Di said...

I may be completely wrong on this but I doubt it was a friend. I would think it would be a neighbor. It would nto be unrealistic for social services to do a back ground check and for them to interview the neighbors. Whatever the case, I am so sorry!

You'll get post soon! :)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I'm VERY sorry to hear about what happened, Colin...that's awful. And I agree with the majority here...I'd want to know who did it and why.

I think it's wonderful of you to want to foster children....I myself never had the guts to do it. I thought about it, because I can't have children of my own (despite MANY years of trying). It became even more appealing after The PK and I tried to adopt a child and got burned in the process...we lost a lot of money we really couldn't afford to I thought "Hey, I'll foster!" But the thought of perhaps taking in a newborn for a year or two and then having to give them up...well, that was too much for me....that would've crushed me so I just said "Forget it." (More information than you needed, I'm sure. Sorry!)

Keep us posted on what's going on, okay?

krisbtterfly said...

you're trying to open your home and your heart to children in need and someone is trying to keep you from that? i just don't understand it. with so many children in need of an understanding, protective, and loving adult to show them a glimmer of hope... only a selfish and spiteful person would say something to keep you from that. is there any way you can find out who it was? i'm guessing that these opinions are kept in confidence by the mentor. *sigh* i'm sorry, fish.

patti_cake said...

Oh Colin I am so sorry this has happened to you. It makes me sick at heart to think someone who might be a "friend" would go behind your back and maliciously malign you. I hope you are feeling a bit better today and that maybe the situation will somehow right itself. Be well sweetie.

Shephard said...

Wow. That's just crushing that someone would do that. It seems quite obviously an issue on their part. I mean, who doesn't keep the hours they please when they don't have kids? Absense of proof is not proof. So, I doubt your friend was looking out for the kids.
So sorry to hear this.
I don't know where you are emotionally about this, but I hope you don't give up. I think you'd make one helluva fun and kind-hearted dad.

Al said...

What a despicable thing to do! When I was trying to adopt my grandson, my ex, the truely evil Mrs A. tried to imply I was having an improper relationship with him. Child Protective Services did an investigation and everything When they were through they called me and told me about it. I was stunned! I finally divorced her when she refused to get treatment.
More power to you for the effort you have made. Hang in there and don't give up!

Amy said...

I'm heartbroken. I honestly was reading and reading hoping that at some point you would talk about fostering again. You are so well suited, you are so full of love and life and have so much to give a child. I cannot imagine your devastation. I cannot imagine anyone who knows you would ever say such. Perhaps a neighbor who knows only what they think they know? I cannot say anything that will help, I know. I am so sorry, Colin.

a fish on a bycicle said...

Thanks, everyone.

I'm not overly rowdy or drunken I promise.

And if you are out there, which I think is quite possible, I've no other motive than fulfilling an urge to parent. I thought the three of us might be able to offer a happy, short term home.

It matters to me.

So if you can reconsider, or you'd like to talk to me about it then please, please do. There's no place for anger in this.

Sandra said...

This is absolutely outrageous. You must have a suspicion as to where this 'information' came from, don't you? This is very sad. What a hurtful thing for someone to say.

Facinacion said...

Sorry to hear many kids that may be needing someone just relaxed to have around, and also sorry that you are disappointed.

Just Some Gal said...

Oh god Colin, I've not been around in a few days and now I feel horrid to read this. I mean literally, sick.

I would not call someone a "friend" if they ever said anything of the sort about me. I've read your posts for more than a year now, emailed and even talked to you... I'm so deeply saddened that anyone would deliberately say such sh*t to ruin your chance to foster.

I'm so sorry babe and I wish I could slap whomever in the face.

Jenn said...

Colin - I'm so sorry.

I don't want you to think I'm just saying this because I already have my own little rugrat, thus can't understand the yearning - but you just never know how things will turn just don't. If something is meant to be - it will be. You seem to know (not think) that children will be part of your don't give up, my friend.

Aims said...

That is horrible Colin. I hope one day you'll get what you want. Take care mate x

Deadly Female said...

Oh Fish, that is just shitty and horrible and downright nasty. Karma, my friend, karma, is all I can say. I hope you get to offer those children the sanctuary they need, much love to you xx

Aine said...

Christ. That's bloody awful. I'm really sorry. They'll get theirs.


Belladonna said...

After reading about your dogs I can see why you would be upset about being cut out of the running for fostering kids. I think it's sad that someone can make these accusations and apparently not have to provide an ounce of proof to be believed. Hopefully the muckety mucks will see the error of their ways and give you a chance. Good luck!