Friday, November 11, 2005

more cabbage anyone?


Hurrah, we have a name for it...a latin phrase no less, but disappointingly not an 'ology.

Upon reviewing the symptoms and my notes my quack has reached his considered opinion. He's a gem my doctor, one of the old school, Dr MacFadzean, who keeps a bottle of scotch in his top drawer. He smokes like a trooper and comfortingly forgets one's name, he blames the worlds ills on junk food and lack of exercise and is as gloomy as a winter sky over Rannock Moor.

He thinks that the headaches are a symptom of 'dementia pugilistica', which was made all the more thrilling delivered as it was in a gravelly Sots accent, "Aye laddie, ye have a wee spot of bother with your noggin".

Apparently the effects of concussion are cumulative!! I didn't know that, but I have proof now, as I have a little card which I should put into my wallet that says something along the lines of "please look after this bear"...(oops, wrong one), "if you should see this person lying down in an unusal place please don't assume he's blind drunk, even if you do know him".

I'd always assumed that because one's head is hard and conveniently situated, that it could be used as a kind of bony shield to protect the rest of your body from injury. It's proved very servicable in this capacity, so far it has deflected hockey balls, various roads that would have made mincemeat out of more fleshy parts of my body. My head has been succesfully applied as a buffer whilst careering down the stairs on the ironing board, used as a musical instrument, been struck fairly and squarely by thrown crockery, struck repeatedly by a high heeled shoe and once, dramatically stopped a falling icycle from piercing my body and coming out of my bottom. In terms of it's ability to "get in the way" it's been a very good head, even if it is looking a little ramshackle these days.

Other than that it's hardly been used.

Dr MacDeath is adamant that I should have taken better care of it, that people were not intended to use their heads in the same way as "rutting he goats" (his words not mine, but doesn't it conjure up a lovely image?). On reflection I had to agree that it's a bit of a patch work quilt now, and we went through my notes thoroughly, (he never offers me a scotch!), and I added a few other un logged incidents to the equation - like the time that I forgot I was in the top bunk, and the man who mistakenly punched me in the chip shop in Wigan.

The last is probably the most apt as I am, punchy that is. Apparently that's what 'dementia pugilistica' means, literally 'punch drunk'. I never thought that I would be in such esteemed company as Mohammed Ali, Sonny Liston and Rocky Balboa.

I have to go for a scan, which is ace, very exciting as I've always wanted to see the inside of one of those machines, though I suppose they'll probably put me in it upside down and arse first if they are looking for my brain.

16 comments:

Just Some Gal said...

((hugs))

At least you know whats causing the symtoms Colin.

*in awe*

You have definitely made some really random uses of your head! hehe

WOW

Miladysa said...

Hope everythhing is OK Colin! I am thinking about you.

Nice photograph - did the boys take it?

Jessica said...

Then last sentence or two of your posts always get me!!

You are so fun...

(loved your haiku, by the way)

Aims said...

Down the stairs on an ironing board? Cool!! I used a rather large teddy bear to go down stairs when I was a kid. That's until I pulled it's head off trying to stop once & my dad half killed me as that bear had been in his family for a very long time. Oooops!
Hope you are OK. x

leesepea said...

Well, we always knew you were a little demented... Now we have clinical proof of it!

I'll tell ya what; you send me some new jammies, I'll send you a nice helmet. It's time to start protecting that melon of yours!

Wendy said...

Colin ... you look a little annoyed in that photo -- but yet quite "hot"!! Seriously.

As for your head, I say acupuncture cures everything! You've had everything else happen to that noggin - whats a few pins?

Bunnzy said...

http://www.rma.gov.au/SOP/00/008.pdf

I love Google!

I hope you stop acting like a rutting he-goat! Get yourself one of those head protection hats that the rugby players wear, the ones that cover your ears and make your head look like the 'Thing' from the Fantastic four?

Stylish

Miladysa said...

How are you feeling?

Magpie said...

hope you are ok, what have you done to give yourself punch drunkedness...??? hope toffee and charlie are giving you lots of TLC

*hugs*

Vanathi said...

good flow of writing...

Kiki said...

I hope everything is alright!!! Let us know what's going on!

Amy said...

I am going through Fish withdrawal. I hope you return soon. I hope even more that you are okay over there across the pond.

Jessica said...

Fish, where ARE you?!

Bunnzy said...

Hey guys i'm getting worried about our fishy friend... Colin are you OK? I did a search on that condition and found it can be fatal. In best cases it usually accompanies a mood change and worst (other than death) a peronality switch. Freaking me out. Let us know whats up.

Ben O. said...

I have those same thoughts sometimes . . .

Ben O.

Miladysa said...

Hello?