Wednesday, November 30, 2005

don't try this at home....

A few small notes:

“dial emma” from the previous post…”dilemma” (please?)

and in my profile…this was supposed to be a picture of Charlie, because for ages I had a photo of Toffee there. Now I suppose everyone thinks I’m a dog.

So, how was your day? Honky dory? Smashing, mundane or really quite bad?

Want to play one-upmanship?

I just set fire to my pubic hair.

Accidentally of course, I don’t mind a little pain, but if it’s anything too intense I prefer other people to wear it.

There’s a coal effect gas fire in the living room. It’s more for ambience than heat because the central heating is on most of the time at this time of year. (I’m just setting the scene). So I came in from our walk, and the usual routine is to chage into some floppies – old baggy track suit bottoms and floppy t-shirt. Except this evening, in the nuddy, I decided to light the fire in the living room. The button is on the bottom of the fire, you have to hold it in for a little while, release a little gas (the fire not me) and then in theory the pilot light lights the fire and voila!!

This entails squatting. And I think I held the button in for too long, because when I let go a plume of ignited gas nestled directly in my…lap.

There was a crackling noise, like dry leaves on a bonfire, and a bright red flame engulfed my bits. (And a horrible smell! – those are ‘ketones’ by the way folks, I didn’t get a degree in organic chemistry for nothing (I got it so that if I ever go blind I will still know that the cat is on fire) ).

Shock is a more immediate reaction than reason, so I promptly fell backwards and beat the area with both hands – adding a kind of pubic toothache to the stinging sensation.

I’ve checked out the results in the bathroom. It’s not a pretty sight. I know it’s HNT tomorrow, but I don’t think this is the right place, there are probably specialist sites for that sort of photograph.

The area is largely deforested. I’ve singed my old chap and quite possibly bruised him too. It looks as if my willy has spent a night in a cell with Rambo, and called him a “nancy boy”.

My mother always told me to wear clean undercrackers in case I get run over….if I get knocked down tomorrow how will explain this?

I don't suppose there are any volounteers to kiss....

er, no


Bunnzy said...

Yay - my fiance is not the only on to do something like this!!!

When he was 14 he had bad flatulence and constipation and sat on the toilet for ages until he basically stunk it out. So he decided to burn a match (to get rid of the smell) But he lit it IN the toilet bowl WHILE he was sitting on it!

Yeah he got burnt. Badly. He still has scarring and he is now 29. But is balls are pretty smooth. Nice. He had to walk bowlegged for a while and hold himself to stop swaying.

I am glad that he's not the only one out there that has burnt his ahem... bits.

The photo is an extra great touch.

AJH said...

Oh, Colin. What a day.

Just Some Gal said...

OMG Colin....

Um, err, I won't admit if I laughed or not. The "nancy boy" line got me though.

You made me smile a bit but also feel like "awww Colin".

Magpie said...

OMG i've never heard a fire do that before...i've heard if you shave your pubic hair off "it" looks

maybe its a blessing...


Magpie said...

no i'm sure you're very *cough* generous in that department, just saying is


Wendy said...

Oh!!! I'll admit it! I just laughed my friggin' ass off - out loud- here in my office!! I'm so sorry Colin, but this is freakin' hilarious!! I had the whole thing envisioned - the ambience - the nuddy, the squat --- the crackling and sparking!! OMG! See, I'm laughing out loud all over again! Great pic too by the way! Ahhh ha ha ha!!

Jill said...

I'm so sorry, but I am hysterically laughing. I especially like how you introduced it with such nonchalance. Brilliant. poor baby!

Wendy said...

LMAO!! Oh Colin you just made me 'pissy' for a split second and then I just laughed my ass off all over again! In fact, I went back to re-read your tale and laughed even harder!! "preDICKament"!!!! Oohh! Too funny! xoxoxox Your Endearing Heartless Troll. :~) ... Ok, I'll change my profile to properly reflect my age ... sigh.

Lisa said...

Well, that gave me a bloody good laugh for the day. Excellent!

oh yeah, and sorry about your old fella, hope all's getting back on track in that department.
(I believe that's the first time I've ever commented on someone's dick, ta for that)

Deranged Doctor said...

Christ, Colin, you didn't have enough going on already?
We have measures in place for people like you. They're called "radiators."

Miladysa said...

LMAO and feeling guilty! Sorry!

Hope you heal quickly :)

Sandra said... sorry to hear about "Little Colin".

Gorgeous dogs you have there though.

Jessica said...

Oh my God, so crack me up! I have to admit, though, at first glance, the image on the plate almost caused me to fall backward in my chair!

Aims said...

OUCH!!!!!!!! But so funny - sorry! You are so like my mate matt who once put his underpants into the microwave to dry them before going to work & ended up catching his kitchen on fire! I'm sure if he was allowed a fire he'd have done what you did a long time ago!!
Hope you're OK.

Kiki said...

I'm sorry that I find this to be so funny! That sucks!! I hope all is going well and growing back! :)

Miladysa said...

Where are you? Hope you are OK and not being silver nitrated!

AJH said...

Colin, have you foolishly attempted to give up blogging again? This is your official summons to stop wandering around the blogsphere leaving malicous comments and post something for us!

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