Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Of knots in string...

I don’t get it….sorry that’s true, but misleading. I’ll start again…

I don’t understand, after all I’ve looked after my body. No, really, I have. I’ve been taking copious amounts of alcohol for years simply as a preservative. And I did hear that a glass of red wine is good for you so, ipso facto, a couple of bottles must be full of goodness?

Following the advice of some of the greatest medical minds (of the seventeenth century) I smoke, not because I enjoy it, but to protect myself from common evils like the ague, dropsy and melancholia.

My doctor once told me that if I wanted to stay healthy I should ‘observe the Mediterraneans’ and I have. Closely. I am happy to report that I can now distinguish between a Croat and a Greek from a distance of 75 yards. (I once studied a particular Italian young lady for almost half an hour before her boyfriend offered to take me outside and help me to rearrange my spectacles).

Why then is it that bits of me seem to be abandoning ship at the moment. My poxy bloody knee, or at the least the cartilage thereof, has decided enough is enough and has hung up it’s clogs. Damn you tiny piece of my anatomy, how dare you remind me that I actually need you in order to get from my bed to the bathroom (it’s usually some time after I’ve woken up that I become fully aware, I’m not used to the application of sharp, unexpected pain to startle me into existence).

So, as much as I normally dislike them, I thought I’d write a list, along the lines of, “12 things that are wrong with me”, or maybe “12 more reasons I live alone” might be more apt:

1. One of my eyes doesn’t work, at least it works in the way that a kaleidoscope works.
2. I can’t decorate for toffee, I can do the big bits but the little fiddly bits fill me with dread.
3. I smoke and I drink probably far too much.
4. I can be as much fun as a wet Wednesday evening.
5. I’m impatient, if I want something then I want it now.
6. I have an unfeasibly large penis (far too big to be accommodated comfortably).
7. I am prone to exaggeration to the point of lying
9. I find it difficult to concentrate.
10. I bore easily
11.

(You are very welcome to suggest additions to the list of things that are wrong with me if you think that I've left out anything particularly relevant or ghastly).

So, there you have it.

Fish.

Boned.

21 comments:

krisbtterfly said...

oh, fish.
*shakes head and grins*

miss you.

krisbtterfly said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

If I weren't reading this thing at work, I'd be giggling my fool Peanut head off right now. I absolutely LOVED your list. I relate to more on your list than I thought I would...except for that whole "large penis" thing...you got me there...;)

Finn said...

1. Will all the people with perfect eyesight please step forward. See? Not a one. At least that I can see.

2. Most people can't. That's why God invented decorators.

3. I don't think that's possible. Life's short; enjoy it.

4. A wet Wednesday evening can be great fun if you have the proper company.

5. Again, life is short.

6. Is this an exaggeration or a lie?

7. Ibid

8. Where did 8 go?

9. You must be bored.

10. See?

11. I feel exactly the same way.

12. You are snarky and sarcastic, but I like that in a person.

Sheila Graham said...

this should not have made me giggle as much as it did, and for that i apologize. schadenfreude isn't usually my thing.

much.

Seven said...

What exactly is it that you bore easily?

Gerbera Daisy said...

Your list has me laughing my ass off. We could all probably have lists about ourselves.

Magpie said...

surely no.4 and no.6 contradict each other...lol

sounds like a great night in

:0)

Pam said...

Lie to me baby....Lie!!

Jessica said...

Ummm...so are we to assume that #7 is evidence of #6?

Jessica said...

Ummm...so are we to assume that #7 is evidence of #6?

Miladysa said...

Lol! Bl**dy hilarious :]

Al said...

11 or 12. I can't count. WHatever.

Once again you had me grinning and chuckling. People were looking at me strangely.

Engineers are not known for their sense of humor

Anne said...

Funny stuff there fish..

elle said...

I have one....

you live too damn far away.

;)

patti_cake said...

Ooh #6 definitely piqued my interest ..hehe.... i'm with Pam on that one :)

Just Some Gal said...

I bet #6 is the root of all your problems. It is such a big problem to deal with that it even hurts your eyes and knees. ;-)

Leesa said...

I see #6, where are all the others?
I can only seem to see line #6 ;)

Funny stuff.

Sandra said...

11. He chronically forgets the number 8
12. He doesn't post photos of his dogs for so long that there are none showing on the page anymore.

List complete :)

30-Something Girl said...

And the things on this list is bad why?

I smoke too much as well... sigh

30-Something Girl said...

and for the record, here is the perfect example of what took me so long to comment on your blog. You write so elegantly, and I can't even put a proper sentence together.

And the things on this list are bad why? I think you rock - don't change