Tuesday, October 31, 2006

mia culpa...so shoot me

I want to say this simply, so please for once grant me the power to be clear.

I wrote something on Sunday which I looked at afterwards and felt so ashamed of I had to remove it, like looking at a side of oneself that you don't recognise or worse, that you do recognise but don’t like..

What I wanted to write about was how lucky I am. To wake up to the very epitome of glorious autumn, a crisp day bathed in late summer sunshine. The snuffle scruffle bum walk and stretch and cold nose in the ear from a Charlie, and a Toffee who loves nothing more than to drape his neck across yours, (if you've been silly, or drunk enough to leave your bedroom door open). To roll over and find the half a bottle of Taittinger, that you managed to smuggle out of the night club and all the way home on the tube, on your bedside table. A hairy hug, a sip of champagne, a piping hot shower, aspirin and scrambled eggs - what could be better. what more could a man want?

Nothing, really.

You see, we get to do pretty much anything we like whenever we want to. Of course I have to work but that's just about the only thing that gets in the way of sheer hedonism. We walk, we laugh, we are as tidy (or not) as we want to be, as punctual, shy, selfish or gregarious as our mood takes - sometimes we go out for a whole Sunday, lunch and all, without even taking a bath or brushing our teeth.

It's an agreement. A trade.

Because there are other things that we don't do anymore. In short we don't look for happiness beyond that which we can generate and sustain for ourselves. There are no external influences, nothing beyond this tiny, compact, introspective microcosm that has any impact on our (my) selfish existence.

Now that’s where it starts to go wrong, that sounds maudlin, regretful, but it’s not supposed to, that’s certainly not how I feel.
My only reservation is an inkling, a small persuasive voice that’s muttering that there ought to be a point. More point. Is a beautiful day still beautiful if you don’t share it? Of course it is? The Pearl Fisher’s duet is a small parcel of bliss that could stop yor heart, as evocative as the top of a baby’s head. A thrown stick and a puddle, the smell of new cut grass on a warm breeze.
Is it wrong then to want your world to shine? That’s not to walk through life oblivious to the mundane or the ugliness, but not to settle for less, in…anything.

What joy, what bliss, what ho, what's the point. You don’t find what shines by collecting lots of things that don’t.

And it's no big deal. That's the mistake I made on Sunday when I thought I might write something that might help me to understand. The mistake being of course that there is nothing to understand after all.

It really is a matter of 'so what'. Who actually gives a jaundiced squirrel? Once in these past three years I have made the ridiculous mistake of imagining that the hand that touched my face might stay there, but she was simply a friend of a friend caught up in a moment and doubtless too much tequila....gone in 60 seconds, a butterfly touch whipped away on the chilly night air, so transient that it was just my imagination. Stupid, stupid. Sex, important? No. The hand on your face, the fingers in your hair....or lack of them.
That's the knack of it.


Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Is it possible to be jealous yet sad at the same time?

I am.

Silent One ~D~ said...

Your words.... are always so heart felt.

Finn said...

Joy that's shared is multiplied. There's nothing wrong with being thankful for your freedom, for your solitude, but there's also nothing wrong with wanting to share it with another person.

No man is an island.

elle said...

Listen to megan, she's a wise and eloquent woman. Sometimes what we want and need is streaming towards us without our knowing

Wendy said...

Ditto Megan. I do believe though, if you were TRULY looking to keep a hand to your face and fingers in your hair, you'd be looking in other, different places - a library, the gym, etc. I dunno.

What is a jaundiced squirrel??

Sandra said...

Was Sunday's post really so bad? Sorry I missed it, actually, it was probably pretty good. We all have these thoughts, I know I do, but as Wendy said, if we were really seriously looking, I think we'd look harder, more often, and in different places. As Oscar Wilde said, there are only two great tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, the other is getting it.

Pam said...

Dang....you are such a tease. I've caught one of your "later taken down posts" and was very glad to have been one of the few to catch it before it was gone.

Yes, it is the hand on your face...the hand in your heart. So many of your friends have already said it well, that there's no point in repeating it.


I will share with you this: I had settled into a single life. Decided to find happiness, all by my lonesome, with my two dogs. I achieved that...mostly. Much like yourself I'm guessing. I figured I'd missed the first round draft picks and would have to wait a bit for the second round. Knowing, of course, that the second round would come with baggage.

And then I stumbled across Bill. Being loved changed me...made me more. More kind. More loving. More thoughtful. More interesting.....more me. It has been the most wonderful experience of my life. Feeling that someone loves me is profound. When for so very many years, hell, most of my life up till then ....I felt that no one really liked me, much less loved me.

Can I just say Colin....I soooo wish that for you. With all my heart and soul. I wish for you the love and companionship that I have experienced these last 12 years.

patti_cake said...

I wish the same things Pam wishes.

The hand on your face makes ALL the difference in the world.

and your new profile pic is SO handsome :)

Jessica said...

You are lucky....and I am still sorry.

tammi said...

I've done that before.I've been known to get on my pity-pot though and go on and on about my ex(when we were together,that is),only to realize later that it was becoming a ridiculously repetitive post.So naturally the comment section was always the same...."GET RID OF HIM,TAMMI".
It took many of those kinds of comments,and a few DELETED POSTS to finally move on without him.lol

30-Something Girl said...

I understand what you are saying. I ponder the same thing though I can't express my words nearly as well.

Hell if I could clone myself into the opposite sex - it would be a perfect match.

Sherri said...

Can a squirrel get jaundiced? How do you tell? I will have to look closely at the next squirrel I see and look at their eye whites. See what color they are? Your post was beautifully written.

The Kept Woman said...

I also missed Sunday's post but what we feel and write one day contributes to who we are the next day and the next day. Whatever it was that you reflected on and then removed seems to have made you appreciate and contemplate something that needed review.

Joie DeVivre said...

this was a great post, sums up exactly how me and the cat feel. and sandra's quote of Oscar Wilde is dead on, dammit. grass, greener, squirrels, jaundice. etc.
not easy being cheesy

karla said...

Who gives a jaundiced squirrel? I do, my friend. I give them all the time, usually around Christmas.

And yes, you are one lucky bastard. I love people who are smart enough to know how lucky they are. Cheers.

Melissa said...

"You don’t find what shines by collecting lots of things that don’t."

Oh, Col. Come back across the pond once more and I shall take a lesson in satisfaction from you. I've pulled on your comments a lot the past few days and you've propped me up a few times when I felt I'd fall over. So, thanks very much for that.

Magpie said...

i'm sure sundays post was amazing too, you always seem to write things that are so truly beautiful...i hope you are touched one day soon by someone who deserves you...(and not just some random nutter...lol)

*big hugs*