Thursday, August 04, 2005

@##% you too madam!!!

To the lady in the Toyota this morning, who took the time to temporarily put aside her mobile phone to shower me with a stream of invective - I'm sorry, I know it was a busy junction, and what with the telephone conversation, and the apparent problem with your eyelashes, you probably didn't need me to create another distraction by tooting on my horn. I do apologise, I can only assure you that it was well intentioned, it just seemed that several of the legion of children that you had managed to cram into the rear of your mpv were using one of the toddlers as bait to catch a passing car by hanging him three quarters of the way out of the window. On reflection, judging by the number of kids you had with you, one lost to traffic would hardly be a matter for grave easily replaced, and I doubt whether you would have had a difficult job explaining to the father of this particular ear of corn since the sheer number and diversity of the children suggest a lack of paternal continuity. Still, thank you for the advice, and I will certainly give it my best shot, but I've had a bit of a back problem and I don't think I'm anywhere near flexible enough......

To my fuckwit paper boy. It doesn't fit. Despite the fact that you roll it up and put your considerable weight and inconsiderable intellect behind it, the local paper will not go through my letter box. All of your ingenuity simply results in reducing the outer pages to tatters and obstructing the box. We have discussed this if you remember, after I returned from holiday to find that the postman had been to forced to squeeze my mail between the tiny cracks that you had left. To the passer by the message is obvious, it says "I am out, rob me". There's also an interesting by product on my side of the front door, when we are at home you see, Charlie is a very security minded dog. He is intent on protecting us from the outside world, anything that rattles our front door is a potential threat. Charlie's reaction takes the form of shrill barking, back somersaults and simultaneous urination (god forfend any poor burglar). I don't want the local rag, I admire your work ethic but I'd like you to stop.

Now I've always appreciated a good swear, but so astonishing was the bearer-of-many-children’s outburst this morning that I was too embarrassed of my limited vocabulary to attempt a rejoinder. But I will practice, and I know with time I can improve. So, my be-papersacked-savant, Charlie and I be waiting for you next Wednesday, he with a full bladder and a spring in his step and me with a few well practiced recommendations of ways you can introduce a variety of objects, including the paper, into your bodily orifices.


leesepea said...


Are you sure you haven't been living in Southern California?

Between the mishaps with locals and the insane commission your real estate agent is planning to charge you, I feel like we could be neighbors!

Katya said...

i didn't know that our paper boy delivered to your area as

just think what that woman will be like after six weeks of school holidays...i still don't feel sorry for her though, silly cow...maybe they weren't all hers...???


Aims said...

Fantastic!! My paper always arrives half way thru the letterbox & torn to shreds! I know it's a really hard job to do, I used to be a paper girl! and it is difficult to fold the paper so they go thru the letter box - all the way thru the letter box that is. Hard?? My Ar$e! What is wrong with these numbnuts??! You keep learning them swear words (& then teach me!)

karla said...

I love this post! You're a man after my own wicked, angry heart.

Amy said...

One of my top ten list of best yet by Fish. Too funny!