Sunday, December 18, 2005

being Oliver Malkovich

I've been compelled by Sandra who is compelling by the way, to share 5 items of my weirdness with the world. The only problem I have is narrowing it down, and keeping it within sensible bounds. (Sometimes weirdness is like a dog whistle, when it's just so very weird that only other weirdo's can recognise it?):

I’m the worst friend in the world. I have two friends, but hundreds of acquaintances and it always makes me feel slightly uneasy when I hear other people describe me as their friend. I know what they mean, but I just wish there was another recognised, alternative word that we all understood the meaning of, for "nearly friend" - we could use “mate” for example and then I’d be happy. Because if I were their “friend” I would return their calls, or at least give a toss that they were upset when I didn’t?

I’m not normally nervous at all, I’ll speak with anyone about almost anything. But put me in front of a girl who I really, really like and suddenly I can’t find a single thing to say. (Unless I’ve had too much to drink, in which case a stream of utter jibberwaffle comes out of my mouth).

I’ve fallen in love on the tube train. In the course of a fifteen minute journey, I’ve been enchanted and enthralled, plighted my troth and had my bleeding heart ripped from bosom as she got off at Edgeware Road. Of course I’ve done this all on my own, she’s completely unaware that the eyes and mop of hair poking out over the newspaper belong to a man who is busy conjuring names for our children….

My middle name is Oliver…and I twist.

I bought the dogs a pet, a kitten, a tiny ginger tom called “Alfie”. It ripped them to shreds, ate their dinner, slept under their ears and generally made their lives hell. As soon as it was old enough it called a cab to the airport and is now terrorising a large area of Madagascan jungle.

I'm not going t tag anyone in particular....I'd like to hear 5 bits of weirdness from all of you please (that's above and beyond your usual weirdness please).


Sandra said...

Yes yes, I'm the same - I can speak to anyone, make jokes, ask questions...but if it's a lovely man I have a crush on, I'm speechless and tend to walk the other way and bump into the wall whenever I see them.

Well done Colin!! I do feel a bit sorry for poor Alfie though, whatever became of him...

Wendy said...

Colin Oliver!! Hooray!! I love to use middle names!! All of my pets have middle names, Simon Elliott, Henry James, Vernum P, and Prudence Rose ... so, rather than calling you my friend, or my mate, I can call you my 'pet'?! You see, pets don't return calls or "give a toss" if I'm hurt by that. But I do enjoy their company, or chatting with them though. So, how is "pet" as an alternative for 'nearly friend'? I do hope you know I'm joking -- don't go getting all nervous that I'll "expect" anything from you ... friend! (wink) :~)

Wendy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Melissa said...

I'm going to have to give this a proper thrashing in a post of its own. But for weird starters: I always think I'm pretty forgettable. So much so that it utterly amazes me when people I don't have almost daily contact with know who I am.

Miladysa said...

CO eh? :)

What was the name of the kitten?

Magpie said...

i could come up with hundreds of weird things i do...must whittle it

and i don't think hubby would appreciate us getting bladdered together, i'd also have to explain how i know you and everything which would be terribly complicated...but its a fab idea...

honestly i didn't think anyone would take me up on the offer, we're out xmas day at his mums as well...obviously i'd rather spend it with you but i think he'll make me stick to the original


Jessica said...

First of all, I love "Oliver".

Five bits of weirdness about me....

I use to drive a truck and haul steel for a living - perhaps this is only weird for those who have met me in person.

I have no "type" when it comes to men....a string of previous boyfriends for me consists of a Canadian missionary, my divorce attorney and a tattoo artist - in that order

I positively cannot stand my knees to be touched - it makes me ill to my stomach

Another source of irritation for me are those paper ring rolls around napkins/silverware. For some reason, these gross me out. I often have my husband remove them for me.

I once met the lead singer of Bush, Gavin Rossdale, in a Cracker Barrel.