fielding

The following questions are from Karla Karlababble, who although I know her hardly at all, apart from being gracious enough to think about some ingenious questions also acted like a true pal – the kind who tells you that you have a large obvious, piece of snot protruding from one of your nostrils before you walk into the bar – by pointing out that I’d spelt “bycicle” wrong in my own blog name (tah dah).

The answers are all my own work


1. If you could change any one thing about your life with the snap of a finger, what would it be?

Hell fire, the possibilities are endless. There’s all the very obvious stuff, riches, fame, location. And then the banal, maybe I could have a sparkling white smile, or an enormous schlong (I mean even more enormous), or maybe – and this is more realistic – some style sense. (I sat in a pub with my friends one evening playing the X-man game, ie what would our respective super powers be? My friends decided that mine would be the power to make even the most expensive and well cut clothes look like dish rags). But I don’t really want to, I’m happy enough, and I think that even the bits that I don’t like about myself and my surroundings contribute in some way to the whole experience of being me. So can I cheat just a little, (it’s more of a wish), can I snap my fingers and have just 10 more minutes with my mum please?

2. After an unfortunate mishap involving a short-circuiting electronic dog grooming brush, your dog Charlie suddenly loses the use of his back legs and becomes completely incontinent. The vet tells you you can get a little cart to hook up to him, so that he can wheel himself around by letting his front legs pull the rest of him around on the cart, and naturally, you will just have to clean up his potty messes all day or put him in a doggy diaper. OR...you can get him an operation that will fix everything, good as new...for $10,000. Charlie (because I'm calling the shots in this scenario) will be just as happy either way. What do you do?

I’m sure that there’s something inherent in this question that says very much more about your psyche than any answer I give will ever say about mine. Dog doo holds no fear for me, probably in the same way that the incredible amount of poo that a tiny baby can create is no longer a surprise for you. So then it’s reduced to a question of legs or wheels. I admit, he would be very handy pulling a little cart. He’s quite a strong little sod for his height so he would definitely help with the shopping. The clincher is that there are a lot of stairs in our life. We have a garden but we live on the 1st floor, so while I can see him freewheeling into the garden I can’t really imagine him making it back by dint of only his front paws and I’m certainly not going down to fetch him dressed in my trolleys every morning (and, did I mention, he’s insured, Huzza!!!).


3. What's the best thing about your life, and why?

Choice. I may make some very poor ones, but I still have the availability of choice in most areas of my life. (It’s freedom, but of course that has a cost too).

4. What's the most embarassing thing you've ever done?

Lawks. I have to choose? Have mercy…..It’s not just that there have been so many, but they come in different levels of acuity too, from the cringeworthy snot-bubble, to the shocking and grotesque like attacking my boss with a whole lobster at a corporate “do” (why did they keep filling my glass, the bastards!!). There is one that I do remember very well though, after playing hockey (and drinking a few beers with the chaps), going back to my new girlfriends house (full of resentment, on a Saturday night) to meet the in-laws over dinner. It all seemed to go very well, they hardly noticed me really, Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles, Sisters and Brothers, and her Father was no slouch with the wine. I have a very clear memory of them all retiring to the living room after dinner, happy smiling faces – and those same faces full of shock and dismay what seemed like just moments later. Apparently I’d sat on the floor because there weren’t enough seats to go around, and fallen asleep. It seems that I farted so loudly that I woke myself up….and no one, not a bloody one of them of them was even faintly amused. Come to think of it, I think I’ve caused more embarrassment to the people I’ve been with than I’ve actually felt myself.

5. In the game of "F***, Marry, Kill," (nicer people refer to it as "Shag, Marry, Push Off a Cliff," but I prefer the original, non-PC title), put the following ladies in their proper categories: Barbara Bush, Rosie O'Donnell, Condoleeza Rice.

When I read your blog I thought you were just very funny Karla, razor sharp of course and pithy, but now I realize that you have a genuine mean streak.

I guess you mean Barbara Bush the elder and not one of the twins? I’m also supposing that you won’t allow me to default by coming out right here and now?

Okay, I had to look up Rosie O’Donnell on google. I hadn’t understood the extent of my predicament until I realized who you meant. I shall throw her from the cliff, but then I’m going to run back away from the edge in case she bounces back.

I’m going to marry sweet Condoleeza, because I firmly believe that she might one day become the first female president of the United States. And I will be in her bed, playing her like a harp, she will be my toy and through her I shall rule the earth……(do you have her email address, there’s not a moment to lose).

And I shall do the deed with Babs, we could try a little oral sex? Surely one of the Bush’s can do something useful with their mouth?

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