@##% you too madam!!!

To the lady in the Toyota this morning, who took the time to temporarily put aside her mobile phone to shower me with a stream of invective - I'm sorry, I know it was a busy junction, and what with the telephone conversation, and the apparent problem with your eyelashes, you probably didn't need me to create another distraction by tooting on my horn. I do apologise, I can only assure you that it was well intentioned, it just seemed that several of the legion of children that you had managed to cram into the rear of your mpv were using one of the toddlers as bait to catch a passing car by hanging him three quarters of the way out of the window. On reflection, judging by the number of kids you had with you, one lost to traffic would hardly be a matter for grave concern....so easily replaced, and I doubt whether you would have had a difficult job explaining to the father of this particular ear of corn since the sheer number and diversity of the children suggest a lack of paternal continuity. Still, thank you for the advice, and I will certainly give it my best shot, but I've had a bit of a back problem and I don't think I'm anywhere near flexible enough......

To my fuckwit paper boy. It doesn't fit. Despite the fact that you roll it up and put your considerable weight and inconsiderable intellect behind it, the local paper will not go through my letter box. All of your ingenuity simply results in reducing the outer pages to tatters and obstructing the box. We have discussed this if you remember, after I returned from holiday to find that the postman had been to forced to squeeze my mail between the tiny cracks that you had left. To the passer by the message is obvious, it says "I am out, rob me". There's also an interesting by product on my side of the front door, when we are at home you see, Charlie is a very security minded dog. He is intent on protecting us from the outside world, anything that rattles our front door is a potential threat. Charlie's reaction takes the form of shrill barking, back somersaults and simultaneous urination (god forfend any poor burglar). I don't want the local rag, I admire your work ethic but I'd like you to stop.

Now I've always appreciated a good swear, but so astonishing was the bearer-of-many-children’s outburst this morning that I was too embarrassed of my limited vocabulary to attempt a rejoinder. But I will practice, and I know with time I can improve. So, my be-papersacked-savant, Charlie and I be waiting for you next Wednesday, he with a full bladder and a spring in his step and me with a few well practiced recommendations of ways you can introduce a variety of objects, including the paper, into your bodily orifices.